Boredom-Fueled Blog

A is for American Gladiators. In “American Gladiators” you can compete in five different events: Joust, Wall, Powerball, Assault, and, my personal favorite, Human Cannonball. You can play with one or two players. The controls are difficult to use, the human characters barely look human in their 8-bit form, and each level starts with an encouraging comment from one of the gladiators; this game has every ingredient of the recipe for the making of a classic NES game.

B is for Bump ‘n’ Jump. “Bump ‘n’ Jump” features everything you’ve always loved about NES racing games – namely the cool animated explosion when you crash – with the added fun of the ability the not only bumping, but also jumping while you race (hence the name “Bump ‘n’ Jump”).

C is for Contra. “Contra” is everything that “Super Mario Bros.” is not. In “Super Mario Bros.” you play as a pudgy, yet lovable, Italian plumber off on an adventure to fight relatively non-threatening turtles. In “Contra” you play as a military commando on a mission to infiltrate the secret headquarters of an alien army plotting to take over and possibly destroy the earth. Plus, “Contra” has great controls; I love being able to jump and shoot at the same time.

D is for Donkey Kong. Ah… sometimes I like to reminisce about the days when Mario was a carpenter, Donkey Kong was his enemy, and annoying peripheral characters like Toadette and Baby Daisy were just a twinkle in Shigeru Miyamoto’s eye. This truly was a simpler time for gaming.

E is for Excitebike. “Excitebike” is basically the “Mario Kart Wii” of the day. (Actually “BS Excitebike: Bun Bun Mario Battle Stadium” is the real “Mario Kart Wii” of that day, as it is an exact replica of “Excitebike” with Mario characters as the riders, but it was only released in Japan for the Satellaview.) Anyway… where was I? Ah, yes: “Excitebike” is very similar to “Mario Kart Wii” in that they both feature motorbikes, they both have crazy jumps, and when you crash it takes about ten second to get back at a reasonable pace.

F is for Felix the Cat. Usually, when a video game is based on a TV or movie character, the game is terrible, but that’s not the case with “Felix the Cat.” This game is your average everyday sidescroller with the added ability of being able to drive cars and tanks, fly a plane, maneuver a hot air balloon, and more. The downside of this game is that it’s not very difficult… I’ve beaten the game in about an hour without using any cheats or warp zones.

G is for George Foreman’s KO Boxing. If you like “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!” you’ll love this rip-off released five years after “Punch-Out!!” This is one of the strangest games I’ve ever played. The very first boxer you go up against is George Foreman himself. Once you lose, you’ll view a page of your stats from the round. That page is sponsored by Dorito’s… There isn’t much competition in the “G” category except maybe “Golf” or “Ghosts ‘n Goblins.”

H is for Harlem Globetrotters. Again, not much competition among games beginning with “H.” This game is somewhat entertaining for a few minutes. However, the game follows every rule of basketball very strictly, so I often find myself getting something called a “Backcourt Violation” or a “5-Second Violation.”

I is for Ice Climber. As annoying as the Ice Climbers are in “Super Smash Bros. Melee” and “Brawl,” they make a pretty fun NES game. I wouldn’t mind a 3D remake of some kind, which has been rumored since “Super Smash Bros. Melee.” I wouldn’t buy it, buy I wouldn’t mind it.

J is for Jackie Chan’s Action Kung Fu. In “Jackie Chan’s Action Kung Fu” you play as Jackie Chan, running through Asia, killing frogs and Bengal tigers with your awesome kick moves. It also contains a very fun special side-game where you jump from cloud to cloud. It’s more fun than it sounds.

K is for Kid Icarus. Another game that needs a modern adaption is “Kid Icarus.” After Pit’s appearance in “Super Smash Bros. Brawl” it’s clear that he would be incredible in a 3D adventure game as he was in this game. His bow and arrow would be as great today as it was back in “Kid Icarus”‘s time.

L is for Little Samson. “Little Samson” is one of the most unique sidescrolling video games I’ve ever played… think “Super Mario Bros. 2″ meets “Mega Man 4.” You can play as one of four characters: a young boy named Samson, Kikira, a dragon who can fly, Gamm, a Golem, and K. O. a very quick, very small mouse.

M is for Mega Man 6. Of all the Mega Man games, I’d have to say “Mega Man 6″ is my favorite. It’s not much different than any of the others, but it’s definitely not worse than the others.

N is for Nightmare on Elm Street. Yet again, there is not much competition among NES games beginning with the letter “N” so a sub-par game makes the list. “Nightmare on Elm Street” is a strange game with too many enemies running around the course. This has my second favorite death of any NES game: when you lose a life in “Nightmare on Elm Street” you actually become an angel and ascend into heaven. (My number one favorite death is from “City Connection.” When you crash your van it explodes into a barrage of hearts.)

O is for Operation Wolf. “Operation Wolf” is like a rougher-around-the-edges version of “Duck Hunt” in that you’re shooting men, tanks, and choppers instead of ducks and that darn dog (or at least trying to shoot him).

P is for Paperboy 2. “Paperboy” was the definitive game for all the people who wanted to be a paperboy, but didn’t want to make money and would rather pay money to buy a simulation game. The problem with “Paperboy” was that every version I’ve ever played had some weird glitch where you couldn’t steer the bike. “Paperboy 2″ actually allowed you to throw the papers and steer the bike.

Q is for Q*bert. This is a no-brainer. It’s the only NES game beginning with “Q” I’ve ever played, and there’s only four others. I played this game for about an hour before I realized that you’re supposed to avoid those falling balls, and not catch them.

R is for Rad Racer 2. It’s not so much the gameplay that makes “Rad Racer 2″ so fun; it’s actually the steering wheel-shaped controller that you get to use. The original NES Wheel makes the Wii Wheel look like a piece of garbage (which it already looks like anyway). My main gripe with the Wii Wheel has always been that it’s not weighted down, but the “Rad Racer” wheel was very weighted; you have to lick those pads and stick it to a flat surface…. it’s great…

S is for Super Mario Bros. 3. Unlike G, H, N, O, and Q, there is a lot of great titles among the letter “S”, and that’s just in the “Super Mario” series. Honorable Mention: “Ski or Die,” “Snow Brothers,” “Spider Man: Return of the Sinister Six,” and “Spy vs. Spy.” As great as all of those games are, I can’t think of very many games, past or present, that live up to the simplistic-yet-amazing greatness of “Super Mario Bros. 3.”

T is for Tetris. (I also need to mention “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Tournament Fighters” because that is an amazing game, but I couldn’t bring myself to pick anything but “Tetris” for “T”.) “Tetris” may be the best video game ever. It’s so insanely addicting. After playing “Tetris” for about an hour you start to see common objects as “Tetris” shapes.

U is for The Untouchables. And now, not for the last time, I must pick a lame game because no good games start with “U”. In “The Untouchables” you must shoot a bunch of people in an alley, but there’s no easy way to aim the gun.

V is for Volleyball. All the excitement of playing real live volleyball without the torture of moving or standing.

W is for Wario’s Woods. This is the first, and so far only, video game to ever be stolen from me. It’s a long story involving pawn shops, PlayStations, and lemonade. And now “Wario’s Woods” has a special place in my heart. There’s something about playing as a peripheral character in the Mario series (Toad) stacking deformed woodland creatures while fighting against a chubby elf (Wario) and his egg-spitting lick-spittle (Birdo) that’s very cool.

X is for Xenophobe. A very strange game in which you must kill a bunch of weird aliens in some sort of high-tech base. The whole game seems like something somebody from the 1960s would dream up when trying to envision what the 1990s would be like.

Y is for Yoshi’s Cookie. After years of fighting Kongs, Goombas, and Koopas it’s time for Mario to settle down and open a bakery, and he’s designed a cookie after his friend Yoshi. In “Yoshi’s Cookie,” you must align different types of cookies as more fall from different angles. This game has one of the most annoying pieces of background music ever.

Z is for Zombie Nation. This may be the most underrated Nintendo Entertainment System game ever. Finally, after saving the land of Hyrule and the Mushroom Kingdom, banning an irritable primate from your greenhouse, and inhaling your way through a “Dream Land” you get to really cut loose and let out your aggression in “Zombie Nation.” You play as a giant severed zombie head who terrorizes a large city.

Nintendo Lists, NES

Honorable Mention: Uter, Flanders, Benjamin, Doug, and Gary.

10. Jasper Beardley. First appearance “Bart the General.” Grampa’s bearded friend from the Retirement Castle. Notable accomplishments: stealing Matlock’s pills, substitute-teaching the second grade at Springfield Elementary (and getting his beard caught in the pencil sharpener), avoiding the war draft by dressing as a woman, being shot in his wooden leg by Smithers, and freezing himself in the Kwik-E-Mart ice cream freezer in order to one day see the future. A favorite quote: “Hey, the drive thru’s for driving, not for parking.”

9. Troy McClure. First appearance “Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment.” Hi, he’s Troy McClure you might remember him from such cheesy TV specials, educational film strips and movies as “Man vs. Nature, Road to Victory,” “Mommy, What’s Wrong with that Man’s Face?” “Leper in the Backfield,” “Five Fabulous Weeks of the Chevy Chase Show,” and “The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel.” He’s Springfield’s resident washed-up movie star! A favorite quote: “If you ask me they’re all winners!… we’ll be cutting our first 40 contestants right after this.”

8. Fat Tony. First appearance “Bart the Murderer.” Fat Tony is one of those classic underrated characters that we take for granted because it seems like he’s always been there, but after 20 years of the Simpsons, few things delight me more than to see the Springfield Mafia at work, like in such classic moments as running every food vendor out of town (“The Twisted World of Marge Simpson”), serving rat milk to Springfield Elementary students (“Mayored to the Mob”), and giving Principal Skinner a good talking to (“Bart the Murderer”).

7. Ralph. First appearance “Moaning Lisa.” Ralph is a great character if used correctly. He must be completely random (“My cat’s name is mittens”). He must have that blissful innocence that we love (“My worm went in my mouth and I ate it”). He must have that little glint in his eyes that makes us think he might just be a secret genius (“I’m Ralph Wiggum, and I’ve been a good boy!”). A favorite quote: “What’s a diorama?” [Seconds before winning a diorama contest.]

6. Milhouse. First appearance “Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire.” Milhouse has evolved very much over the series and each step on his evolutionary scale is as hilarious as the last. He starts out as Bart’s equally rambunctious friend, and eventually moves on to being a nerd (and proud of it, sometimes). Lately, he’s just become a sidekick to Bart’s wacky schemes. Plus, you’ve got to love those eyebrows. A favorite quote: “…if you say you’re a vampire, you get a free small soda at the movies.”

5. Lionel Hutz. First appearance “Bart Gets Hit by a Car.” Also known as Miguel Sanchez. Admit it – you’d hire Lionel Hutz as your lawyer just to get a few good laughs, even though you’d undoubtedly lose the case. He is the attorney of “I Can’t Believe it’s a Law Firm,” located in Springfield Mall. A favorite quote: “These books behind me don’t just make the office look good; they’re filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!”

4. Hans Moleman. First appearance “Principal Charming.” Hans Moleman is the closest thing Springfield has to a zombie, seeing as how he has repeatedly died and keeps coming back only to be killed again. Also, he’s completely blind without his glasses which caused him to drive the birthplace of Edgar Allen Poe into a ditch. Speaking of driving, he once drove his Gremlin off the road, almost hitting a tree; it doesn’t hit a tree, but his car explodes anyway. A favorite quote: “Ow… my brains…”

3. Declan Desmond. First appearance “‘Scuse Me While I Miss the Sky.” Very few good characters have been introduced in the past fifteen years on the Simpsons; all the good quirky characters were introduced in the first five or six years (e. g. Bumblebee Man, Captain McCallister, Uter). But Declan Desmond is a great character – he’s voiced by a Rutle! – and he’s also a former Monty Python cast member (Eric Idle). I greatly enjoy any medium that involves a snooty British filmmaker.

2. Sideshow Bob. First appearance “The Telltale Head.” The sequence of events surrounding Sideshow Bob is funny every time. It starts with him getting out of jail somehow, and eventually he works his way into the Simpson home [maybe as a maid ("Cape Feare") or dating Marge's sister, Selma ("Black Widower")]. Then, Bob puts his evil plan to kill Bart into action [a simple stabbing ("Cape Feare") or an elaborate stunt involving a faked death ("Funeral for a Fiend")] Here’s an example of how much I love Sideshow Bob: over a year ago, when I read the spoiler for “Funeral for a Fiend” that Sideshow Bob had died, I had laid out the preliminary plans for a “We Miss You Bob” web page which would’ve been filled with angry notes to the producers about how crazy they were for killing off Bob…

1. Comic Book Guy. First appearance “Three Men and a Comic Book.” Comic Book Guy epitomizes every obsessive Simpsons fan. He is a giant (both figuratively and literally) nerd. You show me a nerd, and I’ll show you a bigger nerd: Comic Book Guy. At various points he has been in possession of: a Mary Worth telephone, Radioactive Man # 1, a photograph of Sean Connery signed by Roger Moore, and the Ultimate Pog – featuring Steve Allen.
“Worst. Top Ten Simpsons Characters List. Ever.”

Television Lists, The Simpsons

With the recent news of a Guitar-Hero-Rock-Band-style video game featuring Beatles songs, it got me thinking that I should make a list of my favorite Beatles songs – something I’ve been meaning to do for a long time, but have been too overwhelmed by great songs to attempt it. There are so many great ones, but I was bored so I decided to go for it. (My own boredom is the cause of nearly every post on this “blog.”)

* denotes a song that would make a good Rock Band-style song.

Honorable mention: “Within You Without You”, “Yellow Submarine”, “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away”, “Strawberry Fields Forever”, “I’m Looking Through You.”

10. Mean Mr. Mustard (Abbey Road) This song is from the medley on the B-side of the Abbey Road record (that’s roughly the second half of the CD, for you young whippersnappers). No other lyrics over the years have confused me more than the lyrics of “Mean Mr. Mustard,” and that includes the lyrics of “I Am the Walrus” and “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.” Maybe it’s because I’m not British, but what do they mean by “sleeps in a hole in the road” and “shaves in the dark/trying to save paper”? Maybe I’m not even hearing the lyrics correctly. I don’t know.

9. Everybody’s Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey* (The Beatles) Affectionately nicknamed “EGSTHEFMAMM” by it’s fans this is the longest song title in Beatles history (it’s not “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” or “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (Reprise)” as many believe). The best part of this song is the slightly-demented-sounding shouting of “Come on!”

8. Hey Jude (1967-1970) No this isn’t déjà vu… nearly every top ten list of Beatles songs has to include this one. If it’s not number one, it’s probably on their somewhere and this is no exception. And why not? Who doesn’t like four minutes of “na na na na na na na”?

7. Helter Skelter* (The Beatles) I read somewhere that Paul McCartney wrote this one to prove that he doesn’t only write ballads and that he can right a crazy rock song with the best of them… and in my opinion, he did it better than the best of them. The funniest thing ever shouted on a Beatles record: “I’ve got blisters on my fingers!” – Ringo.

6. Free as a Bird (Anthology 1) You probably know that this song was originally written by John Lennon for his solo career, but he died before it could be released and then fifteen years later the other Beatles added to it and released it. This is a very calming song and the music video (filled with dozens of clever references to other Beatles songs) is incredible. This was called the first new Beatles song in 25 years.

5. While My Guitar Gently Weeps* (The Beatles, Anthology 3, Love) The “White Album” version of this song features Eric Clapton on lead guitar. (I like to think that all musicians from the sixties would hang out together.) The Anthology 3 album features a home demo that George Harrison made on the acoustic guitar, and the Love version features a string arrangement added to the acoustic home demo. (Another favorite version of this song is from the “Concert for George” album, played by Ringo Starr, Paul McCartney, Eric Clapton, and Jeff Lynne [of the Traveling Wilbury's].)

4. Get Back (Love) This song was originally featured on Let It Be, but it was remixed for Love in 2006. I very much like the Let It Be version, but I’ve chosen to highlight the Love version here, because I think it is the best example of a compilation song from the Love album. The song features several snippets from some of my favorite Beatles songs. It starts with the opening chord from “A Hard Day’s Night,” and contains pieces from “The End” and “A Day in the Life”‘s orchestra crescendo. Also, if I’m not mistaken, there are backwards cymbal clashes from “Strawberry Fields Forever.”

3. Let It Be (Let It Be) This song has a great guitar solo… not much else to say about this song. It’s just a very good song.

2. Revolution (1?)* (1967-1970) In the “Revolution 1″ version of this song from The Beatles John Lennon sings, “But when you talk about destruction/Don’t you know you can count me out… in,” because apparently he couldn’t decide, so I’m following the trend, because I can’t decide what I like better “Revolution” (loud and fast) or “Revolution 1″ (slower). “Revolution” has incredible, fast guitar solos, but I really like the “shooby doo wop”s from “Revolution 1.”

1. The End* (Abbey Road) This song feels like it has a lot of energy, and the lyrics are very profound – so much so that they were even ripped off by “Happy Feet.” (“And in the end/the love you take is equal to the love/you make.”) Another great thing about this song, is that it was the last song recorded by all four Beatles together, and it’s called “The End,” so you’d think it’d be the last song on the album, but “Her Majesty,” comes after it, which I find hilarious.

Music Lists, The Beatles